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The introduction to this post is going to be very minimal,
but I would just like to say that this is a brief disclaimer
that this post does not have any solutions or a radical resolution
to what I am going to be talking about.
I’m just telling you what the Lord has placed on my heart
during this very long season of waiting to be healed.


I remember on my 12 birthday, I walked home from school and my back hurt like crazy.
I remember crying from the pain and begging my mom to take me to the doctor.
We made an appointment.
I had many tests done on my back to come to the diagnosis of
(wow, that even rhymes.)

Cool, I can hang.
It’s a tiny curve on my spine, whatever.
People have it worse than I.
This should be fine — I thought to myself.


In 2015, I got into a car accident
that left me with an avulsion fracture in my neck.
So funnnnn….

Between physical therapy session, chiropractic appointments, medications and doing my stretches,
there was no relief from the pain.

Crazy headaches, strained neck muslces, and intense back pain has just been the norm for me.

This is the part of the post where I’d so love to tell you that I have been miraculously healed
either through treatment or by the grace of God.
but this is the part of the post where I tell you that that has yet to happen.

“God will heal this!”

To be honest, I shy away when people want to pray for healing over my back.

I think to myself,
“Do you know how many times people have laid hands on me and prayed?
Do you know how many times I have been anointed with oil?
I’ve even sat in a chair as someone tried to command my back to be even.
What do you think is so special about you praying for me?”

I know that sounds harsh.
But after all of the doctor and spiritual treatments,
I’m scraping the end of the barrel of faith that i’ll ever be healed.

It’s been years of intense pain and barely any answers or solutions.
I’ve prayed and prayed and cried for the Lord to take this away from me. 

But, as of today, he hasn’t.

Does that mean he isn’t listening? 

Does that’s mean he doesn’t care?

I think that God has a far bigger plan for my back pain that I do. 

“Even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”

2 Corinthians 12:7-9

In this passage, we hear of Paul talking about a thorn in his side.
He had pleaded with God to have it removed.
But he didn’t.
That felt familiar to me.

God could do more through a wounded Paul than Paul could do
operating at his best.
That blows my mind.
That also gives me incredible hope knowing that God
works best through weakness.
because then, not working out of my own strength,
but operating out of a place where I am in desperate need of God.

I may not experience healing on this side of eternity — I’ve come to terms with that.
Some days it’s harder than others.
But one thing that I know to be true is,
being focused on it will not make the pain go away.
But being aware that in our weaknesses, God is doing a work.

His plan might not be to heal me in full, but to use this for His glory — I’m willing.

Do you have a “thorn” in your side?
Is there something that you’ve desperately tried to pray away?

Back pain.
Wounds from a past relationship.

God has a far bigger plan to work through your weakness,
than you could ever have accomplished at your greatest.

I hope that this gives you hope to continue to lean into God.
I know that it’s not a concrete solution, and it’s not anything profound.
But I hope that you take something away from my story, and that if yours sounds similar,
you too can take joy in knowing that God knows what you’re going through.
God sees you, he hears you, and he loves you.
Your healing is not contingent upon how much God loves you or not.

Continue to press on, lean in, and let God work through your weaknesses.